


An Enterprise Christmas

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-02
Updated: 2006-04-02
Packaged: 2018-08-16 00:15:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8079406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Never underestimate the power of a sober helmsman. (11/17/2002)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Answer to Marie's Christmas Challenge.  


* * *

"If I hear that Christmas carol one more time, I refuse to be responsible for my actions."

"What kind of actions, Mr. Reed?" Captain Archer asked as he attempted to straighten an already straight ornament on the purple tree in the mess hall. The planet they were orbiting had a species of tree that looked enough like a fir to be used as a Christmas tree.

"Ones that involve restraints, phase pistols, target practice, and several weeks in sickbay. Mr. Tucker had better be careful."

Trip looked up from where he was refilling his glass with eggnog. "Why me? I didn't pick the music! And what's wrong with this song?"

"It's _almost_ as bad as the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' in its annoying repetition. What the hell does 'pa-rum-pa-pa-pum' mean anyway?"

"Trip. Malcolm." Archer sighed, and then stopped as he caught sight of Phlox on the other side of the mess hall. "Tell me Phlox did not do what I think he did."

"Actually, that was Commander Tucker's idea, sir," Hoshi said as she re-arranged her hair under the green elf hat. "He thought Santa needed a reindeer."

"Thanks, Hoshi," Trip said as he tried to hide behind Malcolm. The armory officer, already ticked at the man, moved and 'accidentally' stepped on Trip's foot in the process.

"Ow!" "Sorry," Malcolm smirked at he joined Hoshi at the tree. He handed her some tinsel, wondering where in space Archer had managed to get tinsel.

"Trip, it's bad enough that my armory officer is dressed as an elf because of you, but I think you went too far on this one."

"Aw, c'mon, Captain! Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Porthos? Isn't that cute?"

Archer looked over to where Porthos was sitting next to Santa Phlox, wearing fake reindeer ears and a mournful look. "No," he replied.

"Malcolm, what did Trip do to get you into that costume?"

Malcolm sighed. "Don't ask, Hoshi. It's not a pretty tale."

"He lost a bet, and he's bitter," Trip chuckled.

"I'm not bitter," Malcolm replied as he glared at the engineer. "Though I do wish you wouldn't gloat nearly as much."

Trip smiled a more-than-slightly-tipsy smile. "You're cute when you're indignant, Mal."

Malcolm raised his eyebrows. "The last person who called me 'cute', and wasn't my sister, ended up protecting some very valuable parts of his anatomy from the EM-33."

"Well, I know you're not hidin' one of those in your tights, Malcolm," Trip leered.

"Oh, you'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" Malcolm purred in response. The Southerner stared at him, and Malcolm smiled before crossing the room to refill his eggnog glass.

"Um, was he flirtin' with me?" Trip asked Hoshi.

The linguist shrugged and stepped back to regard the tree with a critical eye. "Whose idea was it to decorate a purple tree in red and gold?"

"Mine," Archer replied. "I'm the captain and I say the tree is in red and gold!" He hiccupped loudly.

Travis, who was trying to avoid a very drunk and garland festooned Crewman Potter, picked up a glass of eggnog and sniffed it. "Wasn't Chef supposed to make non-alcoholic eggnog?"

"Trip spiked it," Malcolm replied with a giggle. "Said it needed 'More power, ar, ar, ar,' before he poured in the rum."

Archer looked at Trip. "Good job, Commander!"

"Thanks, Cap'n."

Travis sighed and resigned himself to being the designated pilot for the evening as Archer refilled the glasses for the rest of the bridge crew. Well, almost all of the rest. T'Pol had volunteered to take the watch while the crew celebrated Christmas. The holiday was approaching on Earth, and the ship needed a morale boost. So Archer had Hoshi organize the party and a 'Secret Santa' list. Everyone on the ship who participated got a name they had to get/make a gift for. But no one knew who his or her gift-giver was.

Personally, Travis was worried about that, knowing some of the crewmen.

"Oh look, Malcolm's under the mistletoe!"

Travis turned and saw Malcolm freeze, a deer in the headlights look on his face. Crewman Cutler had made the announcement before grabbing him and kissing him hard. Malcolm stood there stiffly, uncomfortable. Liz pulled away. "You're no fun, Lieutenant!" she pouted.

Trip came up on Malcolm's other side. "You gotta know how to thaw him out, Crewman."

"And I supposed you know how to do that?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips. Malcolm was backing away quietly, unnoticed by the two. He made a wide circle around them and came to stand by Travis.

"Help," he murmured.

"What, don't want to be kissed by Commander Tucker?"

"I'd rather not be caught in the middle of Commander Tucker and Crewman Cutler. I'm not into three-ways."

"If you had to choose between the two?"

"Trip, definitely."

Travis raised an eyebrow. "Well, he is standing under the mistletoe, you know."

"I am not going over there and kissing him in public!"

"Scared?"

Malcolm turned to his friend incredulously. "What?"

"Chicken, Lieutenant? He's right there, just waiting to be kissed, you know. C'mon, I dare you," Travis goaded.

Malcolm's eyes narrowed. "I will get you, you know, when you least expect," he promised before stalking across the room, grabbing Trip's face, and kissing the man hard.

Hoshi let out a whoop and a giggle. "Go Mal!"

Archer, his eighth glass of eggnog in his hand, stumbled over to them. "Here, now. The Captain wants a kiss too." He tugged on Malcolm's shoulder and pulled him away from Trip to plant a sloppy kiss on the younger man. Then he turned to Trip and did the same.

Phlox, making a very convincing Santa Claus, came over with Porthos in his arms. "Curious, is this part of the Christmas tradition?"

"Getting drunk and kissing everyone?" Hoshi giggled. "No, but it's fun." She planted a kiss on Phlox's cheek, and then skipped over to the astonished Crewman Cutler. "Hoshi wants a kiss too!" she declared before pulling Liz into a lip-lock.

"And I thought some of the parties on Draylax were wild," Travis commented.

"You're a mean one, Travis Grinch!" Crewman Potter called out as he walked by.

"Man, stay sober and everyone turns against you," Travis grumbled. "Someone's got to be able to fly the ship in the morning."

Phlox chuckled. "I wonder what would happen if I switched my headache remedy for a placebo on half the crew. Might make for an interesting paper."

Travis looked at Santa Phlox. "Oh, that's cruel. I think you should do it."

"Ensign, I like the way you think." Phlox patted Travis's shoulder. "And since my, er, elves are busy," he looked over at where Trip, Malcolm, and Hoshi were standing with Archer and Cutler, arms around each other, all singing an off key rendition of "Frosty the Snowman, "care to help me hand out gifts?"

Travis watched as Hoshi suddenly darted over to the tree and grabbed the star on top. Forgetting that it was plugged in, she returned to the group, toppling the tree and dragging it behind her as she handed Liz the ornament. "You're my star," she said with a drunken smile.

"I think I better help," Travis commented.

Phlox chuckled as the two moved over to the pile of presents on the table. Phlox set Porthos down and removed the ears, earning a grateful lick from the beagle. Travis picked up an armful of gifts and followed Santa Phlox around the room. Laughter and threats followed as people opened their gifts. They saved the presents for the drunken quintet for last.

Trip frowned at his small gift. "No name," he said. He ripped the paper and opened the box. "A water pistol? Mal, this has to come from you."

"Nope," Malcolm denied. "I drew Engine Baker's name. Got him the model of the Phoenix." The armory officer's words were more than a little slurred.

"Malcolm's next!" Liz declared. The British man opened his gift to find a bunch of data disks. He held one up, moving it back and forth as he tried to focus on it. "Ooooo. . .James Bond movies. Gun, girls, and explosions!"

Liz chuckled. "Someone knows our Malcolm."

Travis smiled; glad his gift had gone over well.

Hoshi was next, squealing with ear-splitting delight. "Copies of the Vulcan Linguistic Database!"

"I believe that was from the Sub-Commander," Phlox said softly. Travis nodded.

Liz opened hers and her jaw dropped.

"What is it?" Trip asked.

"A gift certificate from Chef, for my favorite meal for me and a friend, nothing resequenced."

The six senior officers stared at her. "Damn," Trip swore.

"Bitch," Malcolm said with a smile.

"Why couldn't Chef have drawn my name?" Hoshi wailed.

"Oh hush, Hoshi, you know she's going to invite you," the captain pointed out as he opened his gift. He stopped, turned bright red, and quickly put the top back on it.

"Uh-uh!" Trip said as he grabbed the box from his friend. "Gotta share." He took off the top, looked in, and started whooping. He handed the box to Malcolm so he could clutch his sides. "Oh, God, Johnny!" He whapped the captain on the back. "That's priceless!"

Malcolm was grinning as he held up a set of black silk thong underwear. Written on the front was "Captain Archer's Love Gun."

"I think this needs to be shared — Here, Porthos!" When Porthos obediently bounded over, Malcolm handed the silk to the beagle. Porthos grabbed it and ran off, delighted at having a new toy.

Archer played right into Malcolm's hands. "Porthos no! Someone stop him!" Several crewmembers tried, but most of them gave the underwear back after seeing what was written on it, laughing.

"If I find out who gave that too me, I'm going to bust them down to cabin boy."

"Sir, Starfleet doesn't have cabin boys," Malcolm pointed out.

"They will now." Archer tried to sound menacing, but the effect was ruined when he suddenly lost his balance and sagged against Travis. Phlox peered at the Captain.

"I do believe Captain Archer has passed out."

Trip sighed. "Johnny never could hold his liquor very well. I guess we oughta get him back to his quarters."

"Why?" Travis asked innocently. "Why not take him to someone else's quarters, and see what happens?"

Malcolm slapped Travis on the back, almost knocking him over. "Never underestimate the power of a sober helmsmen!" he declared loudly. He and the others raised their glasses. "To Travis! The best boomer pilot in the galaxy!"

"To Travis!" the entire room echoed his toast. Travis shook his head.

"Doctor, I really think you ought to conduct that experiment tomorrow."

"I'm already planning on it, Ensign. Care to assist me in making it a double-blind experiment?" Phlox asked as he slung the captain's other arm around his shoulders. He and Travis began hauling the captain toward the rec room doors. "And where are we taking him?"

"I'd love to, and I'm not sure. I was thinking either Lieutenant Johnson's quarters or mine, even," Travis said with a grin.

"Caroling!" Hoshi ran up and hugged Travis from behind. "Wonderful idea, Travis, we're all going caroling!"

"Umm..." Liz and Hoshi cut off Travis by breaking into two different carols, each trying to out do the other.

"Let's take him to my quarters," Malcolm said as he came forward to pick up a leg. Trip picked up the other. "I'll just sleep on Commander Tucker's floor."

"The hell you will! You'll sleep in my bed!"

"Then where will you sleep, Commander?" Phlox asked.

"With Malcolm, a'course."

"Of course," Phlox said, shooting Travis a glance.

With Hoshi and Liz providing traveling 'music' the four carried Jonathan Archer down the halls of the Enterprise like a victorious warrior being carried from the field of battle. A passed out drunk warrior, to be sure, but a warrior nonetheless.

They reached Malcolm's quarters and the man punched in his code. The four men set their burden down on the bed. Malcolm pulled an extra blanket from the shelf on top and draped it over the unconscious man. "Can't let the captain catch cold, can we?"

"You just wanna make sure he's good and confoozled in the mornin', Mal."

"Confoozled? Wherever did that word come from?" When Trip started to explain, Malcolm held up a hand. "Wait, I don't want to know."

Porthos had followed them from the party and curled up at his master's feet, the silk underwear now being used as a doggie pillow.

Trip snickered. "I still wanna know who gave him that."

"It wasn't you?" Hoshi asked.

"It was me," Liz confessed. "I was dared by Ensign Lowe."

"Blackmail material!" Hoshi said with glee.

"Come on, I think the rest of you need to sleep this off," Travis said. He and Phlox escorted the two women to their quarters, while Trip and Malcolm stumbled down to Trip's.

Once inside, Trip pulled Malcolm down on top of him on the bed. "So, Mal, I haven't gotten you a present yet. What did you want for Christmas?"

Malcolm smiled down the blond. "I got everything I wanted. I got to have you," he replied before leaning down to kiss his soon-to-be lover.


End file.
